Acts 2:38

[Greg Schmelzer]

Acts 2:38

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of Church
services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the
act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, Stop! Acts 2:38!"
(Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may
be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called
the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man
to take him in, he asked the burglar,"Why did you just stand there? All
the old lady did was yell a scripture to you." "Scripture?" replied the
burglar. "She said she had an Ax and Two 38's!"

Remember knowing scripture can save your life in more ways than one. :TU:

[RACEBUICKS]

Subject: Praise the Lord

There is a little old lady, who, every morning steps onto her
front porch, raises her arms to the sky and shouts, "PRAISE THE LORD!"
One day an atheist moves into the house next door. He becomes
irritated at the little old lady, so every morning, he steps onto his
front porch after her and yells, "THERE IS NO LORD!"
Time passes with the two of them carrying on this way every day.
Then one morning, in the middle of winter, the little old lady steps onto
her front porch and shouts, "PRAISE THE LORD! Please Lord, I have no
food and I am starving, provide for me, oh Lord!"
The next morning she steps onto her porch and there are two HUGE bags
of groceries sitting there.
"PRAISE THE LORD!" she cries out. "HE HAS PROVIDED GROCERIES FOR ME!"
The atheist neighbor jumps out of the hedges and shouts, "THERE IS
NO LORD. I BOUGHT THOSE GROCERIES!!"
The little old lady throws her arms into the air and shouts,
"PRAISE THE LORD! HE HAS PROVIDED ME WITH GROCERIES AND MADE THE DEVIL PAY
FOR THEM!!"

[GSXMEN]

Heard 'em both before - but still like them!! Thanks guys!:TU:

[Greg Schmelzer]

Mike, Luv it.:TU:

See ya on the 15th

[RACEBUICKS]

After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed
all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three
times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted
us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"

:laugh:

Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible
stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an
airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. "The
flight to Egypt," said Kyle. "I see ... And that must be Mary, Joseph,
and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said. "But who's the fourth person?" "Oh,
that's Pontius-the Pilot.

:laugh:

The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say
prayers before eating?" "No sir," little Johnny replies, "I don't have to.
My Mom is a good cook."

:laugh:

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.
Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him
the money now, will he let us go?"

:laugh:

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin
asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly. "How do you know
that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up,
like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

[dariggs]

That remind me of a elderly black lady I met a year or so ago. I work for a elec. utility in my area and we were putting wire back in the air tore down in a storm. When we were done I was visiting with her while one of my guys was refuseing the line. Just small talk while I was waiting. I asked if she lived here by herself and she said she did. Said her husband of 50+ yrs. had passed away a few yrs. back. I asked her if she ever afraid liveing by herself with no close neighbors and "she replyed," Oh no. First I got the Lord and then I got this. She uncovered a .357 magnum she had conceiled in her clothing and said she knew how to use it. Super sweet lady. We had a good visit, but you never know whos packin a pistol. Don't think shes got a thing to worry about.

[RACEBUICKS]

Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."

Joe: "Really?"

Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."

[GSXMEN]

Where's a drum set when you need one!:grin: