A Ricer's Kill

[69GS400s]

I read this on the TurboBuick.com board and thought it would get a few laughs here.....

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I was drivin around minding my own bidness in my Civic DX bubbleback thats hooked up I got the windows tinted, chromed out everything. Even my hubcaps.. s**t they almost look like rims when im drivin. I pulled up at a stoplight next to my worst enemy... a domestic. I looked over, it had tennesee plates, flowmasters, big daisy musclecar wheels, big radials, nascar stickers, and rust spots. That s**t sounded mean, yeah... that was one fast lookin winnebago.
I cranked down my window and yelled at the big inbred southern hick. What you doin sucka? He tilted his orange hunting hat and said I'm movin . I told him that he would be movin a hell lot faster in a Honda. Thats when he started revvin his engine... man it sounded mean. d**n I wonder why hes even botherin to race... I guess he didnt see the Type R and GT-R badges I bought at pep boys.

I was a little worried at first cause my car aint that fast off the line, but I took a screwdriver and punched like thirty holes all over my rusty muffler to ease backpressure. So along with my aluminum wing I knew I had him on top end. I took my car out of drive into neutral and revved it up as high as it could go. I turned my upside down tennis visor backwards so it wouldnt obstruct my view of the road. Then I buckled my Type R yellow 4 point harness and sweated it out for the green.

BAMMMMM! The light wuz GREEN... All hell broke lose! I dropped it into drive and my tires almost screeched a little bit... I think. The winnebago was haulin butt though... BAMMM!!! I pretend to manually shift it into second. I gots the timing down now, so my pretend shifts are always on target with the real ones. s**t! That winnebago is dead even with me. I hear his revs rising and hes haulin butt. BAMMM!!! I pretend to shift it into third... s**t! bad pretend shift, he starts pullin on me so I make a pissed face and pretend to miss third. To make it worse... I hit a pothole and see one of my hubcaps fly off and hit his mobile home. ****! That s**t cost 6 dollars! Oh no... Im roundin out third and this guys still pullin hard Im almost at his bumper. I think really hard to myself What would the guy from The Fast and the Furious do? Oh YEAH! The little red button on my steering wheel. Hit the little red BUTTON!!!!! I reach down and hit the button!!! Oh ****! I dont have nitrous!

The little red button is only to turn on all fiftyseven of my custom smurf blue euro foglights!!! but this works to my advantage anyway, blinding the domestic redneck racer temporarily. My car hits fourth finally... I pull up to his rear quarterpanel while the blinded redneck fumbles around for his ZZ top ray ban's. I know Im gonna win now.YES! I pull past the redneck reaching the death defying speed of 55 miles per hour. Then throw on all 20 of my euro hazard lights!!!!! Whew... that was close! After this race I poked more holes into my muffler to make sure it wouldnt happen again. Chalk another one up for the CIVIC!!!

[mechacode]

lol, Funny stuff, almost as good as the geo story.

[Marvin's65]

Man that was funny....$6hubcaps...lol
Who has a copy of the Geo story?

:TU:

[MR.BUICK]

:jd: :laugh:

I wonder if poking holes in your muffler really works:puzzled:

lol:laugh:

-Cody

[mechacode]

The ever famous geo story:



I borrowed my wife's Geo Metro last night. One liter of raw power, 3
cylinders of asphalt-tearing terror on thirteen-inch rims. It's
stock, alright, nothing done to it, but it pushes the barely 2000
pounds of Metro around with AUTHORITY. I'm always catching mopeds
and 18-wheelers by surprise... I was headed back from Baskin Robbins
with my manly triple-latte cappuccino blast ("No Cinnamon, ma'am, I
take it BLACK"), when I stopped at a streetlight. As the Metro
throbbed its throaty idle around me, I sipped my bold beverage and
wiped the white froth my stiff upper lip. I was minding my own
business, but then I heard a rev from the next lane. I turned, made
eye contact, then let my eyes trace over the competition.

Ford Festiva -- a late model, could be trouble. Low profile tires,
curb feelers, and school bus-yellow paint. Yep, a hot rod, for sure.
The howl of his motor snapped my reverie, and I looked back into the
driver's eyes, nodded, then blipped my own throttle. As I tugged on
my driving gloves and slipped on my sunglasses (gotta look cool to be
fast, and I am *damn* cool, hence...), the night was split with the
sound of seven screaming cylinders...Then the light turned... I
almost had him out of the hole, my three pounding cylinders thrusting
me at least a millimetre back into my seat, as smoke pouring from my
front right tire... my unlimited slip differential was letting me
down! I saw in the corner of my eyes, a yellow snout gaining, and I
heard the roar of his four cylinders. He slung by me, right front
wheel juddering against the pavement, and he flashed me a smile as
his .7 extra litres of motor stretched its legs. I kept my foot
gamely in it, though, waiting for the CHECK ENGINE light to blink on
in the one-gauge (no tachometer here!) instrument panel. I saw a
glimpse of chrome under his bumper, and knew the ugly truth...He was
running a custom exhaust- probably a 2-into-1 dual exhaust...maybe
even cut-outs! Damn his hot-rod soul!

The old lady passing us on the crosswalk cast a dirty look in our boy-
racer direction...Yet still I persisted, with my three pumping
pistons singing a heady high-pitched song, wound fully out. Though
only a few handfuls of seconds had passed, we were nearing the
crosswalk at the other side of the intersection, and I heard the note
of his engine change as he made his shift to second, and I saw his
grin in his rear view mirror fade as he missed the shift! I rocketed
by, shifting, and nursed the clutch gently in to keep from bogging,
keeping my motor spinning hot and pulling me ahead, now trailing a
cloud of stinking clutch smoke.

Not ready to give up so easily, he left his foot in it, revving, and
I heard one wheel *almost* chirp as he finally found second and
dropped the clutch. We careened over the crosswalk, now going at
least 15 miles per hour. A bicyclist passed us, but intent on the
race as we were, neither of us batted an eye. He pulled slowly
abreast of me, and neck and neck, we made the shift to third, the
scream of motors deafening all pedestrians within a five foot circle.
He nosed ahead as we passed 30 miles an hour, then eased in front of
me, taunting, as we shifted into fourth. I was staring up the dual 6"
chrome tips of his exhaust, snarling, my cappuccino forgotten, as he
lifted a little to take the next corner.

I saw my opportunity, and counting on the innate agility of my trusty
steed, I pulled wide into the number two lane and kept my foot buried
in carpet. Slowly, I inched around him, feeling my Metro roll slowly
to the left as I came abreast in the midst of this gradual sweeping
turn. I felt the Geo ease onto its suspension stops, and felt the
right rear wheel slowly leave the ground - no matter, though, because
my drive wheels, up front, were pulling me through the corner, and
around the Festiva...The Ford driver beat his wheel in rage as my
wife's car eased past him on the outside, my P165/54R13's screaming
in protest, as we raced to the next light. We coasted down, neck-and
neck, to the red light. I tightened my driving gloves, ready for
another round, when this WIMP in the next car meekly flipped his
turn signal and made a right. Chevy (Suzuki) superiority reigns!!! I
drove off sipping my masculine drink, awash in my sheer virility,
looking for other unwitting targets... Perhaps a Yugo, or maybe even
a Volkswagen Van!

[Leviathan]

Ricer drag races...

kind of like "Hamster Boxing" isn't it?

[sixtynine462]

(EDIT):

The comment originally posted obviously upset some people. I apologize to those people, and I will try to be more sensitive in the future.

[Marvin's65]

:laugh: :laugh:

that was good

[Eric Schmelzer]

sixtynine462 said:(found elsewhere- slightly modified to suit)
Rice racing is like the special olympics:
Someone wins, but in the end you're both still retarded.

Now here is our bumper sticker idea:laugh: :laugh:

[Damian Kolosik]

gotta love it haha

[cirrucon]

please insert correct words!!



Photo removed by moderator.

[armyguy298]

both stories had me crackin up!:laugh: :TU:

[Brad Conley]

OK guys...I've removed the photo in a post above as it did not meet the guidlines of the board. Before this gets completely out of hand, clean it up. I personally don't see the humor in making fun of a handicapped person.

[BuickLeSabre1960]

oh come on moderator, you mean to tell me you have never shoved a stick in the spokes of a wheelchair or am I the only one? :shock::Brow: :grin:

[RACEBUICKS]

Well since I have a mentally challenged family member myself I appreciate not hearing or seeing the trash people talk.

And yes Im a mod too.

[BuickLeSabre1960]

lighten up man, i've got a friend in a wheelchair and he laughed at it

[Brad Conley]

The photo was not of anybody in a wheelchair and of itself was distasteful. To use a mentally challenged person in that light is not something I condone. The "magic bullet" that got me to kill the photo was the "f" word in small print at the bottom of the photo. I had posted in the mod section concerning the photo itself, but upon my revisit I saw the wording at the bottom. That was all it took and I edited out the photo and made my post.

Let's get back to talking Buick kills, OK?

[sixtynine462]

Maybe if there was more Buick content to talk about, there wouldn't be a problem with these type of posts. Seems like there are a billion stupid posts about everything but Buicks lately.
When did we start taking everything so seriously? You people need to lighten up a little.
edit-
Also- there is something about every one of us that can be made fun of. If we all took it to heart, it would be a miserable existence.
On the other hand, I realize I was being insensitive. I apologize for my comments and will think more before I type in the future.

[Brad Conley]

Steve,
As I stated above, it was not the photo itself that got me to remove it...it was the words in the bottom of the photo. The word used in the photo has no place on this board. If you notice, I did not edit out anything in any other post where "retarded" was used to describe the person in the photo. I think you could call it "mod-lite".

I am not a prude, but there are rules for using this board. Believe me, I do not enjoy having to do some of the things I do. But one sure way of catching every mod's attention is to use one or more of George Carlin's 7 dirty words....

[sixtynine462]

Brad,
I didn't see the photo actually. I thought you were talking about my post above.
I'm of the opinion that whoever owns the site and whoever that person puts in charge has the right to remove or edit anything they want to. It might be a public forum, but it's still a privately owned board. You should stop worrying about offending everyone for doing your job on here.
I guess that was my point- everybody these days gets offended by anything at all. We all walk around on eggshells worried about offending someone. It's a kneejerk reaction.
Don't think I am criticizing you in any way.

[Brad Conley]

Steve,

No problem...like I said, I had no problem with your post or I would have edited it. It was the photo, or more specifically the wording in the photo, I had a problem with.

Cheers!:beer :beer :beer

[TXGS]

I also am glad you removed the pic of the special olympics racer brad:beer I don't need for my son to see that stuff yet...

[mechacode]

We need more buick kills to read about! It's spring dammit, get out there and kill a few people (not literally of course) and tell us about it! There's enough 3rd gen camaros and rice and hicks with big trucks that would give me about 9 posts daily if I had a sweet buick to kill em with.

[grant455gs]

edit-
You REALLY don't want to read my reply to this thread!:af:

Thanks, MODS!

[mangiesbuick71]

YA all rule all the stories where great

[mangiesbuick71]

Check this out. I have my every day car which is a 84 buick has a 307 olds in it . One day this newer mustang pulled up wanted to race. So I did. We raced all the strreet the whole time my buicks over heated from a blown hose. But still I beat the sucker.