buickx
12-18-2004, 05:24 PM
Bumper Stickers for 2005
100% irony free.
24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
43.8 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A bad day of fishing turns into a good day of drinking.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
A diplomat thinks twice before saying nothing.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
A fool and his money are my best friends.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
A man decided not to report his stolen credit card because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
A man is not complete until he is married - then he is finished.
A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.
A PBS mind in an MTV world.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
A pessimist is never disappointed.
A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
Abbotsford – smell our dairy air!
According to my calculations, the problem doesn’t exist.
Adrenaline is my drug of choice.
Adult child of alien invaders.
Adults are just kids who owe money.
Air pollution is a mist-demeaner.
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.
All life's answers are on TV. Bart Simpson
All men are animals, some just make better pets.
All men are idiots, and I married their King.
All work and no play, will make you a manager.
Allow me to introduce my selves.
Alone: In bad company.
An eye for an eye… leaves the whole world blind.
Always glad to share my ignorance - I've got plenty.
Always proof-read carefully to see if you any words out.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Always try to be modest - and be damn proud of it!
Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
And which dwarf are you?
And whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "s" in it?
And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be?
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
Archaeologists will date any old thing.
Are the noises in my head bothering you?
Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
ASCII a stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
Ask me about my vow of silence.
Atheism is a nonprophet organization.
Back off! You're standing in my aura.
Backup my hard drive? How do I get it in reverse?
Bad cop - no donut for you.
Barium: what you do with dead chemists.
Be careful about reading health books - you may die of a misprint.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are, you’ll end up working for one.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Be the kind of person you always wanted your parents to be.
Beam me up Scotty – there’s no intelligent life down here.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Beer - helping white people dance since 1837.
Beer - it's not just for breakfast anymore.
Beer - the reason I get up each afternoon.
Before giving someone a piece of your mind, be sure you have enough to spare.
Being a princess is a full-time job.
The best man for the job is a woman.
Better living through denial.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Beware of geeks bearing gifs.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Birds of a feather flock together – and crap on your car.
Black Holes are where God divided by zero.
Blessed are the censors, for they shall inhibit the Earth.
Blessed are the cross-eyed, for they will see God twice.
Blessed are the pessimists, for they make backups.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
Blessed is the end-user who expects nothing, for ye shall not be disappointed.
Blonde joe-ks are one-liners just so brunettes can understand them.
Blondes may tease, but redheads please.Body by Nautilus; Brain by Mattel.
Boldly going nowhere.
Born again pagan.
Born free - my father's a doctor.
Born free... taxed to death.
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
Bottomless pit of needs & wants.
Boycott shampoo! Demand REAL poo!
Brain dysfunction detected.
Brain over - Insert coin.
BREAKFAST.COM Halted - Cereal Port Not Responding.
Breathing may be hazardous to your health.
Budget - a method for going broke methodically.
Bugs come in through open Windows.
Bumper Stickers - Not Your Type?
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
Calm Down. Its only ones and zeros.
Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
Canada Revenue: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Canadian DOS prompt: EH?\>
Cancer cures smoking.
Cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.
Careful – I’m not wearing clean underwear!
Cats are dogs with a college education.
Cats: The other white meat.
Caution - Driver legally blonde!
Caution – Driver runs with scissors.
Caution – I drive like you do.
Caution – Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly.
Caution - Vehicle sometimes moves sideways.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
Chastity is curable, if detected early.
Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way.
Chevy trucks, Harley Davidsons and blondes – I only ride the best.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
Clones are people 2.
COMMAND: A suggestion made to a computer.
Compost happens.
Computer Lie #1: You'll never use all that disk space.
Computer programmers know how to use their hardware.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
Computers can never replace human stupidity.
Conclusion: the place where you got tired of thinking.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Copywight 2004 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
Cover me. I’m changing lanes.
Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime??
Crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.
"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
Cubicle - a padded cell without a door.
Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
Dain bramaged.
Dear God... Protect me from your followers.
Death to all fanatics!
"DEL *.*" = 100 % compression.
Demons are a Ghoul's best Friend.
Depression - anger without enthusiasm.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Did anyone see my lost carrier?
Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!' till you can find a rock.
Do I look like a freaking people person?
Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?
Do not disturb - already disturbed!
Do they ever shut up on your planet?
Do you think you could drive better if you stuck that phone UP YOUR ASS?
Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?
Dog and wife missing. Reward for dog.
Don’t assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.
Don't blame me - I'm from Uranus.
Don’t bother me – I’m living happily ever after.
Don't confuse me with facts, my mind's already made up!
Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
Don't drive faster than your angel can fly.
Don't follow me or you'll end up at my place.
Don't hit me - my lawyer's in jail.
Don’t judge a book by its movie.
Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.
Don’t steal – the government hates competition.
Don't sweat petty things or pet sweaty things.
Don't take life too seriously - you won't get out alive.
Don't talk unless you can improve the silence.
Don’t think and drive.
Don't worry about avoiding temptation - as you grow older, it will avoid you.
Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
Double your drive space - delete Windows!
Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding.
Driver carries no cash – he’s married.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
Due to recent cutbacks, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.
Due to the outbreak of AIDS, employees will no longer be permitted to kiss the boss's ass.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
E Pluribus Modem.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
Earth first... we'll log the other planets later.
Earth is full. Go home.
Earth - the insane asylum of the universe.
Eat Australian lamb – 100,000 dingos can’t be wrong!
Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
Editing is a rewording activity.
Energizer bunny arrested – charged with battery.
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
ERROR 406: file corrupt: config.earth --- reboot universe? (Y/N)
Error, no keyboard - press F1 to continue.
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
Eschew obfuscation.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
Everybody repeat after me - "We are all individuals."
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
Everything I need to know about women I learned from my cat.
Experience - something you don't get until just after you need it.
Facts are stubborn things.
FATAL SYSTEM ERROR: Press F13 to continue...
Feel lucky? Update your software!
Few women admit their age. Fewer men act it.
File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Finally 19 and legally able to do everything I’ve been doing since 15.
Flashlight - a case for holding dead batteries.
Fleece on earth. Good wool to ewe.
Flying saucers are real. The Air Force doesn’t exist.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
FOR SALE - Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once.
Forget about world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
Forget the Joneses. I keep up with the Simpsons.
Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam.
Freudian slip - when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way!
Friends don’t let friends drive naked.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
From a chicken in every pot to a chicken smokin' pot.
Gene Police: YOU - Out of the pool!
Get In, Sit Down, Shut Up & Hang On.
Give Blood - Play Hockey.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Go on. I’ll see you at the next traffic light.
God created men and rested. God created women and no-one's rested since!
God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
God may have made man first, but there is always a rough draft before a final copy.
God must love stupid people… He made so many of them.
Gravity doesn't exist. Earth sucks.
Ground beef: A cow with no legs.
Grow your own dope - plant a man.
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
Guns don’t kill people, postal workers do.
Half of the people in the world are below average.
Hang up and drive!
Hangover - the wrath of grapes.
Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
hAS ANYONE SEEN MY cAPSLOCK KEY?
Having a Smoking Section in a restaurant is like having a Peeing Section in a pool.
He only likes you because he hasn’t met me yet.
He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
He who hesitates is probably right.
He who laughs last has the best lawyer.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Heaven won't have me and Hell's afraid I'll take over.
He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
Health – the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Heart Attacks... God's revenge for eating His animal friends.
Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.
Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.
Help! My reality check bounced!
Help nature, don't breathe.
Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy.
Help starve a feeding bureaucrat.
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's hand grenades I throw...
Hire teenagers while they still know everything.
Hit me – I need money.
The Ho Chi Minh Trail led to the White House.
Hold a hard drive to your ear -- listen to the C:
Honk if you are stupid enough to actually read the backs of people’s cars and then do what it tells you to do.
Honk if you hate noise pollution.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Horn broken – watch for finger.
House guarded by SHOTGUN 3 nights a week. You guess which 3.
Housework done properly can kill you.
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
How can my checking account be overdrawn? I still have checks!
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
How do you tell when you've run out of invisible ink?
How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?
How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
Hug a logger - you will never go back to trees.
Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I am built for comfort, not for speed.
I am logged in, therefore I am.
I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be fixed with the right amount of C4.
I brake for fairies, elves, gnomes, leprechauns, and other invisible creatures that only I can see.
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
I can resist everything except temptation.
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone.
I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
I did a drot of lugs in college, I hink I thave dain bramage.
I did alot of drugs in the 50's, Now I do them at room temperature.
I didn’t work my way to the top of the food chain to eat vegetables.
I don't care. I don't have to.
I don't care who you are, FATSO. Get the reindeer off my roof!
I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere!
I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
I don’t jog – it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
I don’t need your attitude – I have one of my own.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
I got a gun for my wife - best trade I ever made.
I had a life once. Now I have a computer and a modem.
I had a monumental idea this morning, but I didn't like it.
I have an attitude and I’m not afraid to use it.
I have kids – they are always there when they need me.
I have no desire for money. It’s stuff that I want.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
I let my mind wander and it didn't come back.
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
I lost 350 pounds in one day, I divorced her.
I love animals – I eat them and wear their skins.
I love cats – I have a dozen recipes.
I love cats - they taste just like chicken.
I love Jesus. It's his fan club that makes me nervous.
I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
I march to the beat of my own accordion.
I may be fat, but your ugly - I can lose weight!
I may be going slow, but I am ahead of you!
I need someone really bad... Are you really bad?
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
I owe, I owe, so off to work I go.
I plead contemporary insanity.
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
I put in contacts for this?
I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
I said "no" to drugs, but they wouldn't listen.
I saw it. I wanted it. I cried. I got it.
I smile because I do not know what is going on.
I souport publik edekashun.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it left.
I still miss my Ex, but my aim is getting better!
I support the three basic food groups.. KEG - BOTTLE - CAN.
I think, therefore I am DANGEROUS.
I think, therefore I am. I think.
I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
I tried switching to gum but I couldn't keep it lit.
I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure.
I used to have a handle on life… but it broke off.
I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
I was born 9 months prematurely.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
I wasn’t using my civil liberties anyway.
I will never put off till tomorrow what I can forget about forever.
I wish life had subtitles.
I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
If 10% is good enough for God, it ought to be good enough for Revenue Canada.
If a man says something in the woods and no one’s there to hear it, is he still wrong?
If a mute child swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
IF: a two-letter word for FUTILITY.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, put it out for beta test.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
If Ghenghis Khan, why can't I?
If I can't fish in heaven, I'm not going.
If I could get a firm grip on reality, I’d choke it.
If I go any faster I'll burn out my Hamsters.
If I had known grandchildren would be so much fun, I would have had them first.
If I save the whales, where do I keep them?
If I save time, when do I get it back?
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
If in doubt, make it sound convincing.
If it jams, force it. If it breaks - it needed replacing anyway.
If it weren’t for the kids, this would be a Mercedes!
If it works, tear it apart and find out why!
If it’s too loud, you’re too old.
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
If money could talk, it would say goodbye.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If only women came with pull-down menus and on-line help.
If pro if the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?
If psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the same stuff?
If there's only one Lexus on the road, is it a Lexi?
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.
If we do not succeed, then we run the risk of failure. Dan Quayle
If we're not supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough.
If you aren’t completely appalled, then you haven’t been paying attention.
If you can read this, back off!
If you can read this... I can slam on my brakes and sue you.
If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.
If you can read this, thank a teacher.
If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
If you don't have time to do it right, what makes you think you've got time to do it twice?
If you don’t like my attitude, stop looking at my stickers!
If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk!
If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
If you like my bumper, you’d love my headlights!
If you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
If you think I’m a lousy driver, wait until you see me putt.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
If you voted for change, better start counting it.
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
If you want to hang your ass out of the window, please make sure it's clean first.
If you’re happy and you know it, see a shrink.
If you're not confused, you're not paying attention.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
Illiterate? Write for help today!
Insanity is hereditary – you get it from your kids.
I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I’d love to trade caller I.D. for caller I.Q.
I'm a nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore I'm perfect.
I'm an imbecile and I vote.
I’m back by popular demand.
I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
I’m having eye problems. I can’t see working.
I’m in no hurry – I’m on my way to work.
I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
I’m leaving my body to science fiction.
I’m lost in thought and need a map.
I'm not a complete idiot - some parts are missing.
I'm not a tourist, I live here.
I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
I'm not cheap, but I am on special.
I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 50 years.
I'm not deaf, I just like to block your way.
I'm not just a gardener, I'm a Plant Manager.
I’m not speeding – I’m qualifying.
I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
I'm the guy your parents warned you about.
I'm out of bed and dressed - what more do you want?
I’m Pro Choice – I choose to hunt, trap, eat meat, and wear fur.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
In my next life I'm going to have more memory installed.
Individualists - Unite!
Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
Is it time for your medication or mine?
It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
It said "Insert disk # 3", but only two will fit!
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
It's better to be thought a fool, then to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
It’s hard to understand how a cemetery raises its burial cost and blames it on the cost of living.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
It's not just a hobby, it's an obsession.
It's not whether you win or lose. What counts is whether I win or lose.
It's not just winning the game - it's drinking the beer.
It’s time to pull over and change the air in your head.
I've got plenty of lead in my pencil, but none in my tank.
I've got to sit down and work out where I stand.
Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
Join D.A.M.M. - Drunks Against MADD Mothers.
Join F.A.R.T.s - Fathers Against Radical Teenagers.
Join M.A.D. - Mothers Against Dyslexia.
Join the Army: Visit exotic places, meet interesting people and then kill them.
Just 2,953,377 more days till I start caring what you think.
Just because I live in a house doesn't mean I'll clean it!
Just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you.
Just when you thought you won the rat race along come faster rats.
Justice: A decision in your favour.
Keep honking... I'm reloading.
Keep on working – millions of people on welfare depend on you.
Keep the earth clean – it isn’t Uranus.
Keep your butt in the car – the earth is not your ashtray.
The kids drive me crazy; I drive them everywhere.
Kids in the front seat cause accidents; accidents in the backseat cause kids.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
Lee Harvey Oswald - where are you when we need you?
Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
Life in a vacuum sucks.
Life is a sexually transmitted disease with 100% mortality.
Life is too short for cheap cigars.
Life - it’s just a cereal.
Life without danger is a waste of oxygen.
Life’s too short to dance with ugly men.
The light at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
The light went out, but where to?
Little Miss Nitpick.
Live as long as you like. It won’t shorten how long you’re dead.
Living on earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
Look out for #1. Don't step in #2.
Looking for your cat? Check under my tire!
Lord, let me be half the man my dog thinks I am.
The loudest snorer is always the first to fall asleep.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Lottery: A tax on people who don't understand statistics.
Love is blind, marriage is the eye-opener.
Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand.
Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Mafia staff car.
Main reason Santa is so jolly: because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
MAKE LOVE NOT WAR - see driver for details.
Make the world a better place - kill yourself.
Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Marriage: A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence.
Mean people rule!
Meandering to a different drummer.
100% irony free.
24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
43.8 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A bad day of fishing turns into a good day of drinking.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
A diplomat thinks twice before saying nothing.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
A fool and his money are my best friends.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
A man decided not to report his stolen credit card because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
A man is not complete until he is married - then he is finished.
A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.
A PBS mind in an MTV world.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
A pessimist is never disappointed.
A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
Abbotsford – smell our dairy air!
According to my calculations, the problem doesn’t exist.
Adrenaline is my drug of choice.
Adult child of alien invaders.
Adults are just kids who owe money.
Air pollution is a mist-demeaner.
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.
All life's answers are on TV. Bart Simpson
All men are animals, some just make better pets.
All men are idiots, and I married their King.
All work and no play, will make you a manager.
Allow me to introduce my selves.
Alone: In bad company.
An eye for an eye… leaves the whole world blind.
Always glad to share my ignorance - I've got plenty.
Always proof-read carefully to see if you any words out.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Always try to be modest - and be damn proud of it!
Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
And which dwarf are you?
And whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "s" in it?
And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be?
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
Archaeologists will date any old thing.
Are the noises in my head bothering you?
Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
ASCII a stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
Ask me about my vow of silence.
Atheism is a nonprophet organization.
Back off! You're standing in my aura.
Backup my hard drive? How do I get it in reverse?
Bad cop - no donut for you.
Barium: what you do with dead chemists.
Be careful about reading health books - you may die of a misprint.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are, you’ll end up working for one.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Be the kind of person you always wanted your parents to be.
Beam me up Scotty – there’s no intelligent life down here.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Beer - helping white people dance since 1837.
Beer - it's not just for breakfast anymore.
Beer - the reason I get up each afternoon.
Before giving someone a piece of your mind, be sure you have enough to spare.
Being a princess is a full-time job.
The best man for the job is a woman.
Better living through denial.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Beware of geeks bearing gifs.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Birds of a feather flock together – and crap on your car.
Black Holes are where God divided by zero.
Blessed are the censors, for they shall inhibit the Earth.
Blessed are the cross-eyed, for they will see God twice.
Blessed are the pessimists, for they make backups.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
Blessed is the end-user who expects nothing, for ye shall not be disappointed.
Blonde joe-ks are one-liners just so brunettes can understand them.
Blondes may tease, but redheads please.Body by Nautilus; Brain by Mattel.
Boldly going nowhere.
Born again pagan.
Born free - my father's a doctor.
Born free... taxed to death.
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
Bottomless pit of needs & wants.
Boycott shampoo! Demand REAL poo!
Brain dysfunction detected.
Brain over - Insert coin.
BREAKFAST.COM Halted - Cereal Port Not Responding.
Breathing may be hazardous to your health.
Budget - a method for going broke methodically.
Bugs come in through open Windows.
Bumper Stickers - Not Your Type?
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
Calm Down. Its only ones and zeros.
Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
Canada Revenue: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Canadian DOS prompt: EH?\>
Cancer cures smoking.
Cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.
Careful – I’m not wearing clean underwear!
Cats are dogs with a college education.
Cats: The other white meat.
Caution - Driver legally blonde!
Caution – Driver runs with scissors.
Caution – I drive like you do.
Caution – Never drive faster than your guardian angel can fly.
Caution - Vehicle sometimes moves sideways.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
Chastity is curable, if detected early.
Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way.
Chevy trucks, Harley Davidsons and blondes – I only ride the best.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
Clones are people 2.
COMMAND: A suggestion made to a computer.
Compost happens.
Computer Lie #1: You'll never use all that disk space.
Computer programmers know how to use their hardware.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
Computers can never replace human stupidity.
Conclusion: the place where you got tired of thinking.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Copywight 2004 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
Cover me. I’m changing lanes.
Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime??
Crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.
"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
Cubicle - a padded cell without a door.
Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
Dain bramaged.
Dear God... Protect me from your followers.
Death to all fanatics!
"DEL *.*" = 100 % compression.
Demons are a Ghoul's best Friend.
Depression - anger without enthusiasm.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Did anyone see my lost carrier?
Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!' till you can find a rock.
Do I look like a freaking people person?
Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?
Do not disturb - already disturbed!
Do they ever shut up on your planet?
Do you think you could drive better if you stuck that phone UP YOUR ASS?
Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?
Dog and wife missing. Reward for dog.
Don’t assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.
Don't blame me - I'm from Uranus.
Don’t bother me – I’m living happily ever after.
Don't confuse me with facts, my mind's already made up!
Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
Don't drive faster than your angel can fly.
Don't follow me or you'll end up at my place.
Don't hit me - my lawyer's in jail.
Don’t judge a book by its movie.
Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.
Don’t steal – the government hates competition.
Don't sweat petty things or pet sweaty things.
Don't take life too seriously - you won't get out alive.
Don't talk unless you can improve the silence.
Don’t think and drive.
Don't worry about avoiding temptation - as you grow older, it will avoid you.
Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
Double your drive space - delete Windows!
Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding.
Driver carries no cash – he’s married.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
Due to recent cutbacks, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.
Due to the outbreak of AIDS, employees will no longer be permitted to kiss the boss's ass.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
E Pluribus Modem.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
Earth first... we'll log the other planets later.
Earth is full. Go home.
Earth - the insane asylum of the universe.
Eat Australian lamb – 100,000 dingos can’t be wrong!
Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
Editing is a rewording activity.
Energizer bunny arrested – charged with battery.
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
ERROR 406: file corrupt: config.earth --- reboot universe? (Y/N)
Error, no keyboard - press F1 to continue.
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
Eschew obfuscation.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
Everybody repeat after me - "We are all individuals."
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
Everything I need to know about women I learned from my cat.
Experience - something you don't get until just after you need it.
Facts are stubborn things.
FATAL SYSTEM ERROR: Press F13 to continue...
Feel lucky? Update your software!
Few women admit their age. Fewer men act it.
File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Finally 19 and legally able to do everything I’ve been doing since 15.
Flashlight - a case for holding dead batteries.
Fleece on earth. Good wool to ewe.
Flying saucers are real. The Air Force doesn’t exist.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
FOR SALE - Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once.
Forget about world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
Forget the Joneses. I keep up with the Simpsons.
Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam.
Freudian slip - when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way!
Friends don’t let friends drive naked.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
From a chicken in every pot to a chicken smokin' pot.
Gene Police: YOU - Out of the pool!
Get In, Sit Down, Shut Up & Hang On.
Give Blood - Play Hockey.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Go on. I’ll see you at the next traffic light.
God created men and rested. God created women and no-one's rested since!
God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
God may have made man first, but there is always a rough draft before a final copy.
God must love stupid people… He made so many of them.
Gravity doesn't exist. Earth sucks.
Ground beef: A cow with no legs.
Grow your own dope - plant a man.
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
Guns don’t kill people, postal workers do.
Half of the people in the world are below average.
Hang up and drive!
Hangover - the wrath of grapes.
Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
hAS ANYONE SEEN MY cAPSLOCK KEY?
Having a Smoking Section in a restaurant is like having a Peeing Section in a pool.
He only likes you because he hasn’t met me yet.
He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
He who hesitates is probably right.
He who laughs last has the best lawyer.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Heaven won't have me and Hell's afraid I'll take over.
He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
Health – the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Heart Attacks... God's revenge for eating His animal friends.
Heck is where people go who don’t believe in gosh.
Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.
Help! My reality check bounced!
Help nature, don't breathe.
Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy.
Help starve a feeding bureaucrat.
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's hand grenades I throw...
Hire teenagers while they still know everything.
Hit me – I need money.
The Ho Chi Minh Trail led to the White House.
Hold a hard drive to your ear -- listen to the C:
Honk if you are stupid enough to actually read the backs of people’s cars and then do what it tells you to do.
Honk if you hate noise pollution.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Horn broken – watch for finger.
House guarded by SHOTGUN 3 nights a week. You guess which 3.
Housework done properly can kill you.
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
How can my checking account be overdrawn? I still have checks!
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
How do you tell when you've run out of invisible ink?
How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?
How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
Hug a logger - you will never go back to trees.
Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I am built for comfort, not for speed.
I am logged in, therefore I am.
I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be fixed with the right amount of C4.
I brake for fairies, elves, gnomes, leprechauns, and other invisible creatures that only I can see.
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
I can resist everything except temptation.
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone.
I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
I did a drot of lugs in college, I hink I thave dain bramage.
I did alot of drugs in the 50's, Now I do them at room temperature.
I didn’t work my way to the top of the food chain to eat vegetables.
I don't care. I don't have to.
I don't care who you are, FATSO. Get the reindeer off my roof!
I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere!
I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
I don’t jog – it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
I don’t need your attitude – I have one of my own.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
I got a gun for my wife - best trade I ever made.
I had a life once. Now I have a computer and a modem.
I had a monumental idea this morning, but I didn't like it.
I have an attitude and I’m not afraid to use it.
I have kids – they are always there when they need me.
I have no desire for money. It’s stuff that I want.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
I let my mind wander and it didn't come back.
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
I lost 350 pounds in one day, I divorced her.
I love animals – I eat them and wear their skins.
I love cats – I have a dozen recipes.
I love cats - they taste just like chicken.
I love Jesus. It's his fan club that makes me nervous.
I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
I march to the beat of my own accordion.
I may be fat, but your ugly - I can lose weight!
I may be going slow, but I am ahead of you!
I need someone really bad... Are you really bad?
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
I owe, I owe, so off to work I go.
I plead contemporary insanity.
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
I put in contacts for this?
I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
I said "no" to drugs, but they wouldn't listen.
I saw it. I wanted it. I cried. I got it.
I smile because I do not know what is going on.
I souport publik edekashun.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it left.
I still miss my Ex, but my aim is getting better!
I support the three basic food groups.. KEG - BOTTLE - CAN.
I think, therefore I am DANGEROUS.
I think, therefore I am. I think.
I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
I tried switching to gum but I couldn't keep it lit.
I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure.
I used to have a handle on life… but it broke off.
I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
I was born 9 months prematurely.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
I wasn’t using my civil liberties anyway.
I will never put off till tomorrow what I can forget about forever.
I wish life had subtitles.
I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
If 10% is good enough for God, it ought to be good enough for Revenue Canada.
If a man says something in the woods and no one’s there to hear it, is he still wrong?
If a mute child swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
IF: a two-letter word for FUTILITY.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, put it out for beta test.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
If Ghenghis Khan, why can't I?
If I can't fish in heaven, I'm not going.
If I could get a firm grip on reality, I’d choke it.
If I go any faster I'll burn out my Hamsters.
If I had known grandchildren would be so much fun, I would have had them first.
If I save the whales, where do I keep them?
If I save time, when do I get it back?
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
If in doubt, make it sound convincing.
If it jams, force it. If it breaks - it needed replacing anyway.
If it weren’t for the kids, this would be a Mercedes!
If it works, tear it apart and find out why!
If it’s too loud, you’re too old.
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
If money could talk, it would say goodbye.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If only women came with pull-down menus and on-line help.
If pro if the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?
If psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the same stuff?
If there's only one Lexus on the road, is it a Lexi?
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.
If we do not succeed, then we run the risk of failure. Dan Quayle
If we're not supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough.
If you aren’t completely appalled, then you haven’t been paying attention.
If you can read this, back off!
If you can read this... I can slam on my brakes and sue you.
If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.
If you can read this, thank a teacher.
If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
If you don't have time to do it right, what makes you think you've got time to do it twice?
If you don’t like my attitude, stop looking at my stickers!
If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk!
If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
If you like my bumper, you’d love my headlights!
If you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
If you think I’m a lousy driver, wait until you see me putt.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
If you voted for change, better start counting it.
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
If you want to hang your ass out of the window, please make sure it's clean first.
If you’re happy and you know it, see a shrink.
If you're not confused, you're not paying attention.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
Illiterate? Write for help today!
Insanity is hereditary – you get it from your kids.
I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I’d love to trade caller I.D. for caller I.Q.
I'm a nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore I'm perfect.
I'm an imbecile and I vote.
I’m back by popular demand.
I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
I’m having eye problems. I can’t see working.
I’m in no hurry – I’m on my way to work.
I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
I’m leaving my body to science fiction.
I’m lost in thought and need a map.
I'm not a complete idiot - some parts are missing.
I'm not a tourist, I live here.
I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
I'm not cheap, but I am on special.
I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 50 years.
I'm not deaf, I just like to block your way.
I'm not just a gardener, I'm a Plant Manager.
I’m not speeding – I’m qualifying.
I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
I'm the guy your parents warned you about.
I'm out of bed and dressed - what more do you want?
I’m Pro Choice – I choose to hunt, trap, eat meat, and wear fur.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
In my next life I'm going to have more memory installed.
Individualists - Unite!
Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
Is it time for your medication or mine?
It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
It said "Insert disk # 3", but only two will fit!
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
It's better to be thought a fool, then to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
It’s hard to understand how a cemetery raises its burial cost and blames it on the cost of living.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
It's not just a hobby, it's an obsession.
It's not whether you win or lose. What counts is whether I win or lose.
It's not just winning the game - it's drinking the beer.
It’s time to pull over and change the air in your head.
I've got plenty of lead in my pencil, but none in my tank.
I've got to sit down and work out where I stand.
Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
Join D.A.M.M. - Drunks Against MADD Mothers.
Join F.A.R.T.s - Fathers Against Radical Teenagers.
Join M.A.D. - Mothers Against Dyslexia.
Join the Army: Visit exotic places, meet interesting people and then kill them.
Just 2,953,377 more days till I start caring what you think.
Just because I live in a house doesn't mean I'll clean it!
Just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you.
Just when you thought you won the rat race along come faster rats.
Justice: A decision in your favour.
Keep honking... I'm reloading.
Keep on working – millions of people on welfare depend on you.
Keep the earth clean – it isn’t Uranus.
Keep your butt in the car – the earth is not your ashtray.
The kids drive me crazy; I drive them everywhere.
Kids in the front seat cause accidents; accidents in the backseat cause kids.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
Lee Harvey Oswald - where are you when we need you?
Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
Life in a vacuum sucks.
Life is a sexually transmitted disease with 100% mortality.
Life is too short for cheap cigars.
Life - it’s just a cereal.
Life without danger is a waste of oxygen.
Life’s too short to dance with ugly men.
The light at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
The light went out, but where to?
Little Miss Nitpick.
Live as long as you like. It won’t shorten how long you’re dead.
Living on earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
Look out for #1. Don't step in #2.
Looking for your cat? Check under my tire!
Lord, let me be half the man my dog thinks I am.
The loudest snorer is always the first to fall asleep.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Lottery: A tax on people who don't understand statistics.
Love is blind, marriage is the eye-opener.
Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand.
Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Mafia staff car.
Main reason Santa is so jolly: because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
MAKE LOVE NOT WAR - see driver for details.
Make the world a better place - kill yourself.
Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Marriage: A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence.
Mean people rule!
Meandering to a different drummer.