On the drive to the school to pick up the kids traffic came to a screeching halt. A dumb azz person actually stopped on a major artery to let an iguana walk across the street! What an idiot! Iguanas are illegal and you are allowed to shoot and kill them with a hipower pellet gun. I wish I could say the same about the probable illegal that stopped traffic to let the iguana cross the street. Enough said.
Good morning all, Hump day! Since I last reported in, the hyena is gone. He flew home Monday evening. Yesterday was a yucky day for south Florida. Mostly a grey, drizzly day. The Dick and screech owl stayed inside most of the day. GSFred came over and we hung out for at least 3 hours in front of the garage catching up on everything going on. A very nice visit! Thank you Fred. After Fred left I put on my dirty clothes, crawled under my truck, and finished unbolting my transmission. It's ready to come out now, or will it fall to the ground and make a big azz mess? I'll know soon. Late afternoon my buddy Milton, AKA Stump puller, came by for a short visit. Then it was dinner time. Last night was Taco Tuesday. We had my oldest son over and his wife and kids. Would you believe The Dick fixed his plate, and then sat right in the way of everyone trying to fix there plates. Rude! Dinner went well. That means I didn't see the screech owl make a mess. What will today bring??? Let us pray.................
I told you all about the screech owl using personal pronouns instead of just plain pronouns. I'm eating lunch today and she walks into the kitchen. She said, Did Dick come inside?" I told her, That's information I don't want to know about!" Later on they're going for their walk. She's leaving the porch and says, Dick, are you coming?" Oh boy, TMI!!!
I had a good day, I think. Right now it is 66 degrees and raining. I'm stuck in the screen porch. It sure beats watching Jeopardy!!! I don't watch TV. I got my transmission out without very much mess. Good job John! Then I cleaned up all the tools and took a shower. Alex and I went over a buddy's garage to drink some beer. I came home and they were all finished eating dinner. Perfect. No family time. Got my laundry out of the dryer and was folding my clothes. Oh boy, here goes the screech owl like clock work. Every evening she gets this cough, along with drive heaves. Reminds me of some adult videos. Oops! I should find something productive to do. Oh ya, drink beer and wallow in sorrow.
Today at the zoo... I had a pretty good day for the most part. I woke up early, they slept in. It was so peaceful and quiet just like the old days. Which we're only a couple of weeks ago. I had to go run some errands today. More "by myself time." Before I tell you about the animals, let me tell you about stupid people. I paid off my house last week. This week I'm attempting to cancel my homeowner's insurance. I know, I know, some of you are saying, :What the heck are you thinking John!" Get over it. Anyhow, I spoke to an agent on the phone and gave him ALL my information. He Emailed me a document to electronically sign to cancel our insurance. It was my son's house. I was LMAO!!!!! Yes, he has the same name, but most certainly a different address! I took a picture of the document and sent it to my son. I told him, "I can cancel your house insurance, and they told me they'd mail the refund check to me." What a deal! D.A. agent! To make some of you feel better I am getting a million dollar liability policy from State Farm for $127 a year. Awesome! Back to the animals. My wife grows the biggest testicles when her parents are in town. I know, disgusting! She came home from work. They're all sitting on the couch watching some D.A. TV show. Boring! I showed her the paper work the insurance company sent us about the house insurance. Now listen closely....... I said, Can you give me our homeowner's insurance policy so when I call them tomorrow I can give them our policy number, and maybe they'll get the paperwork right. She goes in the closet and brings back a shoe box that has all our insurance papers in it. She starts handing me car policy after car policy. We have 6 cars. I have all of these CAR policies sitting on my lap and I'm staring at her. She yells at me, in front of the animals, "Why are you staring at me like I'm a dumazz!!!" I calmly said, "I asked you for our homeowner's insurance policy." She shouts again, "YOU DID NOT!" The animals were sitting right in the living room. I looked at them, like, am I right? They both looked away. She finally found our homeowner's policy. Hilarious!!! The screech owl... I went in for my 2nd cup of coffee this morning. She was actually eating her messy azz bagel over the kitchen peninsula. I was sooo pleased! I actually said, "Good morning Jane" in a cheerful voice. She makes a fresh pot of WAC, (weak azz coffee), everyday. I can't even poop after drinking a few cups! I make STRONG coffee!!! It makes you poop instantly! I make a large pot of coffee every 4 days. Usually it sits in the pot for 4 days. Now I have to make my coffee, and then I pour it in a big pitcher so she can make a "fresh" pot of WAC. PITA, but I can handle it. The owl barely came out all day. It was 65* and she complained every time she stepped out for a moment. Awesome! They did walk around the block twice. They wore long pants, a T-shirt, a sweat shirt, and a light jacket. Dang! I wore short pants and a T-shirt. We are different. I guess their blood has already thinned in just 10 days. The Dick, he came out for a little bit today, but not much. Richard's cool, but I'm not going to say I like Dick! I'm planning our 4th annual South Florida Buick Get Together again. This year will be a little different. The animals probably will be here. I think this year I'm going to sell bird seed packets to feed them, and..... for an extra buck or so you can get a leash and walk them around the block. To cool!!! Have a GREAT night!!!!!
Saturday at the zoo. I felt like I was catching a cold last night. I woke up sick today. How sick am I??? I don't know. I don't have a temperature. I do have a slight case of diarrhea. I can taste and smell, but my chest is congested and I feel weak. This stupid virus crap makes everyone cautious and scared. There are good parts to being sick. When I woke up, my wife had some friends over, along with the animals in the house. I stayed away from everyone and managed to get her attention. She followed me to the porch. I told her I was sick and hungry. She said, Sit down and I'll make you some eggs and toast. AWESOME!!! I think I'll be sick every Saturday! My youngest son's mother in law is a nurse practitioner. She's coming by in a bit to give me the Covid test. I've been sitting in the screen porch in isolation, kinda. The stupid animals are doing their usual, following the sun. Right now they are about 15 feet down wind of me. I know, that's NOT very smart of them! I think I told you all they're not very smart. I should start coughing. To funny. My house needs painting. Yesterday I spent the day pressure washing. It was awesome! I didn't see, or hear them for hours at a time. Pure bliss!!!
Keep us posted John. As bad as things can be in the roost, let's not look for the sweet release of Covid. Besides, you don't want to lose the taste of beer! Seriously, GWS
I'M ALIVE!!! First, THANK YOU Brian!!! Brian, what is GWS? Second, a public service announcement from our sponsor, Moderna. Luckily for me I just had a 24 hour bug. Probably more like 18 hours. The really strange part.... Dang, if you get sick now a days, you'll find out how much people, and even your family, will treat you like a pariah! I haven't seen my wife that caring in years! I swear, every time I came in to poop she asked me how I was. Then she wiped down the door knob where I came in with alcohol even though I used my snotty shirt sleeve to open the door. I didn't see her, but I'll bet she wiped down everything in the bathroom. Good Lord! The "China" virus tester showed up around 3:45. I was feeling pretty good by then, and already had my cooler packed with beer to go hangout with my buddies. She swabbed my throat while I sat at the picnic table. She swabbed my throat real deep. I didn't even gag. I wish my wife could do that. Then she said I'd get my results in 24 to 48 hours. I felt like saying, "Lady, I'm over this sh-t! I'm going to play. I took my packed cooler and went over my buddy's garage. Before I get yelled at... My buddy's garage is 2500 sq. ft. I told them all I had the bug, got tested for STD's, and I'm good. I really did stay far away from everyone, down wind. I did not cough. I didn't even talk much. I breathed a few times. Back to the zoo... I had a GREAT weekend! I only had one anxiety attack. Guys, I gotta tell you, work is the way to happiness. The more work you do, the less you see the animals. They're kinda like a motivational force. Friday was cold and grey, according to them. I wore shorts and a T-shirt all day. They didn't come out much. Saturday, I was sick for most of the day. They still got close to me yesterday as they followed the Sun, but they didn't talk to me. Awesome!!! Today, I was up at 5:30. They were sleeping. I got a cup of coffee and cut a big slice out of the CRUMMY banana bread my wife made yesterday. She's an enabler for the messy owl! I went out to the porch and watched TV. I took 2 bites out of my wife's banana bread and threw it in the trash. It sucked! More on her cooking later. By 7:30 I was moving around my youngest son's Buick mess. A story in itself! Then I pressure cleaned almost all day. I don't sing in the shower, but I like singing while I'm pressure washing. After that my youngest son showed up. It's great because when there are a bunch of people out front I don't have to talk to the owl. I just sip a beer, and watch her monopolize the conversation. She loves her voice! After that.... I had an anxiety attack. I was informed that we were going to have KFC. If you read this column carefully you'll remember, at my wife's birthday last week, the starving screech owl breached the Capitol doors, I mean.... she ran to the front of the line when the food showed up, then spilled her KFC everywhere!!! I wanted to drive by the beach instead of getting us food. I got home. Come on...... guess what she sad??? .......................................................................................................... .............................................................................................................................................................................. "I'm STARVING!!! I'M FIRST!!! OMG!!!!!!! I wanted to run to my bedroom with the food and lock my door. Conversation in the kitchen... Owl: "Deb, should I get the paper plates?" Me thinking..."Oh God, not the cheap azz flimsy paper plates my wife buys! There's going to be a mess!" She filled The Dicks plate, and then she filled her plate. I watched EVERY MOVE. I can only guess that she didn't make a mess on her way to the family room table. I stayed in the kitchen and ate. The owl came back for seconds. She asked me, "You're not going to eat at the table?" I told her I refuse to watch BLM, I mean football." The Dick was watching football. I gobbled my food down hoping I could make it out of the house before they finished. I took all the trash and recyclables to the road. Would you believe she came out and talked to me for almost a half hour. That was creepy. I think I'm being to nice to her. I must change. Anxiety attack #2. I didn't lie. I forgot. We're having lasagna tomorrow night. Two years ago the owl made lasagna. Problem was, she served The Dick before putting the tray on the counter. (He was starving.) She served The Dick while the lasagna was still sitting on the stove top. She spilled lasagna all down between the side of the stove and cabinets. I could have killed her!!!!!! My left arm was in a sling back then. Next morning I pulled the stove out with 1 arm and cleaned up her mess for hours!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Luckily my wife is home tomorrow. That means in charge, and yes, I will remind my wife about that mess. Oh well, I'm finished for now. The owl is still up. I'll sit out here on the porch till I see the TV go off. Then I'll go in. If I go in I'll have to say goodnight. It's a lie if you say "goodnight" and you don't mean it.
GWS is get well soon, which you managed to do quite nicely John. I'm thankful because you were well enough to put together another insightful & entertaining reply. The sad part is I am coming to the realization that I am a combination of all the different birds you observe and report about as well as yourself. Not one for reflection, this has me slightly rattled but not yet ready for a prime time anxiety attack
Wow, I haven't written since Sunday. If you think the air waves were quiet because I'm getting along with them, YOU'RE WRONG!!! The owl is driving me crazy with her incessant talking! In the morning I walk in the house to take a dump. She will tell me what the weather is going to be all the way to the bathroom! I close the door and I can still hear her even with the fart fan on! Monday I'm mowing the yard. The Dick and the owl took a walk. When they got back the owl seemed frantic! She was trying to tell me something. I turned off the mower. Do you know what she had to tell me? "The sidewalk looks sooo nice after you edged it!" Really? I stopped the lawnmower for you to tell me the sidewalks look good! Later that day... I make The Dick park his car at the bottom of our driveway. It's not a good spot, but last year his car killed a giant spot of grass in my yard where it parked for 2 1/2 months. The kids, all 5 of them, ride their bikes right by his car everyday. The owl thought it would be a good idea if he could park it at my neighbor's house. Neighbor John has a big empty area next to his garage where his boat used to park. He sold it. I talked with John, and he said fine. I told The Dick that he could park his car in John's empty spot. Get me your keys and I'll move it for you. He looked totally confused, but went into the house. I thought he went in to get his keys. I piddled around for 5 minutes and gave up on him. Later in the day the owl told him, "Go get your keys. John is going to put your car across the street." The Dick looked like a 16 year old who just had his car taken away. Hilarious! I assured him that his car would be much safer over there. No kids. So now at least I got his car out of my driveway. Crumbs and stickiness.... I sure am seeing lots of crumbs! This morning I woke up and went to the kitchen for MY coffee. Crumbs and stickiness were everywhere! I said I wouldn't clean up THEIR mess, but I couldn't take it any longer. I took the throw rugs outside and shook them. The owl said, "Shaking the dirt out of them." I truly wanted to say, "NO, shaking YOUR crumbs out of the rug." I washed ALL the counter tops and the front of the microwave. Stickiness everywhere!!! I got it all cleaned up. I just went in to make a bowl of soup. Would you believe.... There are crumbs big enough for my eyes to see on the rug I shook out earlier. 3 steps backwards and no forward movement. I'm a LOSER!!!!! Today I started painting on the north side of the house, far from their stoop. Would you believe they'd come over separately to see how I was doing. The owl: "Oh that's looking nice John." I just kept painting. Leave me alone! Sure wish I could be all alone like I was a couple of weeks ago. It all reminds me of an episode of The Twilight Zone!!!
Good morning Bryan, I must conform? A failure to communicate? Oh boy! The first thing that came to my mind was walking through a kitchen floor covered in crumbs with my bare feet and not complaining. I wish the owl could wake up to a big palmetto bug crawling across her face!!! Then maybe, just maybe she'd stop leaving a mess everywhere. Failure to communicate... Do I have to talk to them? Aren't grunts, or an occasional head nod good enough? Yesterday I took a break from painting the house. I went to the garage to get a beer. She was reading jokes off of her phone to The Dick. Me... "Oh boy, I gotta get out of here!" Who knows what today will bring, but I'm sure it will NOT be pleasing to me! PS, Cool Hand Luke was a good movie!
I wear shoes all the time in the house. It’s an old habit (probably from college; dorm and couch surfing survival) but it means I don’t notice the critter debris on the floors and in the carpet! Patrick
John, I'll share with you a five easy steps to cure this inlaw infestation. It's called "How to feed the inlaws" Step 1: Take a large garbage bag and slit it down one side and the bottom, unfold and flatten. Step 2: drape garbage bag over the front of said inlaw, take the two opposing corners and tie them around the neck like a bib. Step 3: Place the rest of the bag on the table in a trough like manner and serve the inlaw their food. Step 4: Once inlaw is done stuffing one's face fold and wrap the rest of the debris and garbage bag over the inlaws head, take the other two opposing corners and tie a very tight knot. Step 5: Once the inlaws air supply is depleted and the body stops convulsing dispose of your inlaw in a prompt timely manner. If you do this you are no longer Waterboy, you are now Dexter lol
Haven't you read The Adventures Of Tom Sawyer ? You need to get them to paint the house. Tell the Owl that you heard she was a pretty good painter but Dick is the BEST!!! Maybe they will show you how good they are while you sit back "supervising" drinking a beer.
Oh boy! Questions. I love questions! Patrick, are you a bachelor? I gotta tell you, I am anal about cleanliness in my house. Well, some of the house. My bedroom is literally filled with BUICK parts. Lots of them! Can't believe there hasn't been a bad accident when I go to bed drunk. If I was a bachelor the inside of my house would be spotless, and I'd never go in there. I'd hangout in my very messy, can barely work in it garage. 69Rivi, I think Bob? I'm terrible with names. If a name goes in my head, and stays, 2 names got spit out the other side of my brain. Sorry. I do like, a lot, your idea about the BIG garbage bags!!! I have some. I'd like to put one over the owl's head when she does her morning coughing and hacking. Everyday at about 9:30 AM. Sickening!!! I'm not going to feed her first though. I'd go straight to strangulation, and then the bag! I shook out the rug in the kitchen yesterday. It's already filled with crumbs big enough that I can see them without my glasses on. Disgusting!!! Iowacat..... No way, no way, no way!!! The Dick came limping, with his cane, back to where I was painting. I was doing all the cutting in today. BORING!!! The Dick says to me, "You know, you don't have to paint that backdoor white." "You could paint it your trim color." OMG!!! I want to name a nationality, but I know Jim might get mad at me. So I'll say it this way. My trim color is an interesting blue. It gets seriously mellowed out with the house's cream color. To paint a door that color? Oh NO WAY!!! First thing I thought about is The Dick wants me to paint my door as some "island person" would. You know, the people that paint their houses purple, bright green, or even red. No, no, no!!! They're NOT going to paint my house. Let me tell you about The Dick. He'll tell you that he built 5 different houses. Have you ever seen his biceps? This "man" never did anything in his life! He might have sub-contracted his houses, but he definitely didn't do the work! Let me tell you about this man's physic. The skinniest arms I've ever seen, shoulders that make an upside down U look weak, and a total lack of energy, except running his mouth. I guess I'm done? I'm not. You know when you're dating a young girl? "They" always tell you to look at their mom to see what they'll look like in 30 years. Nope! I should have looked at her dad. We were boating in Lake Cumberland, Ky. Her dad took his shirt off one day. I about busted my gut! Same nipples as my wife!!! WTH!!!!!!!!! Azz, same soggy azz. Arms, same lazy azz arms. I guess I should be happy that she doesn't have the screech owls voice. It's just like fingernails on the chalkboard! I could go on, but I have fun stuff to talk about.......................
Fun tonight... A few months ago my sons and I met this younger couple, Mike and Kaylee. Kaylee, kinda hot. OK, I think she's hot! We were all at this car show that was BORING! We heard about another show. We all went to the other show. The place was packed, and they parked us right in the center. We all get out of our cars, look around, and discover they have no beer. What! I told the parking guy I had diabetes. I gotta go to the store to get some food. They had food trucks, but I told the guy I had to leave. He got me out of a pile of cars, and I went to the store and bought beer. We went through that fast. I had another diabetes attack. Kaylee asks if she can go with me. Oh boy! She's wearing one of those dresses that are all buttons down the front. Yummy! We get more diabetic beer and head back to the show. She says, "Is your car fast?" I give her a good burnout, hit second, and we had to make a U turn. My wife NEVER says "go fast." Bummer! We went back to the show and had a really good time with our fresh supply of diabetic beer. Long story short, they invited us to their house tonight. Wow! They live on the Intercoastal Waterway. Dam!!! Mike said they got the house foreclosed, and it was a great deal. A great deal indeed!!! This young couple, they are just some really nice people!!!!!! We had a blast hanging out with them. We even had some North Carolina moonshine. Awesome! Mike has a 1953 Buick Special, a 1941 Chevy 3/4 ton pickup, and a "Fonzi" type car. A T-bucket? They're cool, fun people! We're going to a BIG car show next weekend. GSFred, did you get your exhaust fixed yet? We went to the same place a few years ago. I'm feeling happy. A whole day without the animals! Life is good!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OMG!!! BREAKING NEWS: I'm out in the porch where I go every morning. I hear a most unfamilar sound? Is that the sound of a vacuum? I go in to poop. You should have seen the animals!!! The little penguin, my wife, was vacuuming right where they sit in the living room. The animals were both standing, with a look of horror on their faces. The Dick was standing by the door right when I walked in. His face said it all. "WHAT IS GOING ON?" The screech owl was standing by the sofa, pretty much in the way as she always is. (Probably guarding her crumbs.) Her facial expression... A look of, "Are you insinuating this is OUR mess?" Oh yes it is you stupid, non stop talking beach! I went and took my poop. Came out to the kitchen and my wife's friend was there. The slow Dick was right in my way of getting my coffee. Him and his shaky hands were struggling to pour a cup of coffee. "Good Lord, slow Dick get out of my way!" The screech owl was also in the kitchen. She followed my wife's friend in. "Someone to talk to!" She gets sooo excited when someone comes over. I got my coffee and hauled azz right back outside. Stress!!!
The enabler: I just told you about my wife vacuuming their mess. Would you believe she went to the store and bought apple crumb cake. REALLY? You just finished vacuuming up their crumbs, and you bring home more crumbs. I told you THEY ARE STUPID!!!!!!
