Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when Easterners and Californians cross states such as Illinois, Ohio, Indiana, Wisconsin, Nebraska, Iowa, Missouri, Minnesota, North Dakota, those states Tourism Councils have adopted a set of information guidelines. In an effort to help outsiders understand the Midwest, the following list will be handed to each driver entering the state: 1. That farm boy standing next to the feed bin did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym. 2. Its called a gravel road. No matter how slow you drive, youre going to get dust on your Navigator. I have a four wheel drive because I need it...not just to keep up with the neighbors. 3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it. 4. Any references to corn fed when talking about our women will get you whipped...by our women. 5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Ovis Fly Rod. Dont cry to us if a flathead catfish breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little trout you fish for...BAIT. 6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot. 7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you dont have it up to your ear at the time. 8. Thats right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport for one drink. 9. No, theres no Vegetarian Special on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef salad and pick off two pounds of ham and turkey. 10. You bring coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice. 11. So you have a sixty thousand dollar car you drive on weekends. Were real impressed. We have a quarter of a million dollar combine that we use two weeks a year. 12. Lets get this straight. We have one stop light in town. We stop when its red. We may even stop when its yellow. 13. Our women hunt, fish, and drive pickups, trucks and tractors-because they want to. So, youre a feminist. Isnt that cute. 14. Yeah, we eat catfish, Carp, too-and turtle. You really want sushi and caviar? Its available at the bait shop. 15. They are pigs. Thats what they smell like. Get over it. Dont like it? Interstates 70, 80 & 90 go east and west-Interstates 29, 35 > & 55 go north and south. Pick one and use it accordingly. 16. The Opener refers to the first day of deer season. Its a religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church. 17. So every person in every pickup waves. Its called being friendly. Understand the concept? 18. Yeah, we have golf courses. Dont hit in the water hazard. It spooks the fish. 19. That Highway Patrol Officer who just pulled you over for driving like an idiot...his name is Sir... no matter how old he is. NOW PLEASE, ENJOY YOUR VISIT.
Another Heartfelt Message, from Texas Since the new Texas White House is in Crawford, Texas and is drawing a number of people to the state, including many from Washington who may not be used to Texas ways. uzzled: Since Texas IS the Friendly State, we'd like to offer the following advice, which should be useful for those not wanting to get their asses kicked repeatedly. 1) Don't expect to find filet mignons or pasta primavera at the local restaurant. It's a cafe. They serve hamburgers and chicken fried steak. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass. 2) Don't laugh at the names (Merleen, Bodie, Bob Ray, Curley, Sissy, Clovis, etc.). Or we will HAVE to kick your ass. 3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. In Texas it's called a coke. Nobody gives a damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever - it's still a coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking. 4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (read some J. Frank Dobie). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer than you. Don't refer to us as a bunch of cowboy hicks, or we'll kick your ass. 5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Howard Hughes, H. Ross Perot, Southwest Airlines, Dell computers). Naturally, sometimes we have small lapses in judgment (e.g., Billie Sol Estes). However, we are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state just so they can run for the US Senate. If anyone tried to do that they would get a serious ass kickin'. 6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Gen. Hood, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit the Alamo, take your hat off and be properly humble, or the tour guide will kick your ass. 7) We are fully aware of how hot it gets and high the humidity is, so shut up about it. If you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen, or we'll, well, you know...kick your ass. 8) Do not attempt to eat tamales without first removing their corn husk casing. Everyone will instantly know that you're a Yankee. DO NOT, under any circumstances, complain that the chili is TOO hot or contains no kidney beans, this will get your ass kicked into next week. 9) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know they are not. Many of us have visited Northern hell-holes like Detroit, New York, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home - before we kick it. 10) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Texans understand what we are saying and that's all that matters. Now, stop complaining, or we'll kick your ass. 11) Don't complain that certain areas of this state "smell" of oil. If your livelihood depended on those wells you'd soon learn to love the aroma. Besides, none of OUR lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to wherever you came from. 12) Don't ridicule our Texas manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks. Such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers, or they'll kick your ass -- just like they did ours. :spank: 13) Don't think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in small towns. We do this because we have enough sense to not live in crime infested cesspools like Baltimore. Make fun of our small towns and we'll kick your ass. 14) DO NOT tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). Criticize the barbecue and you may go home in a pine box -- minus your ass. 15) Drive Friendly, the Texas Way! Your Volvo, BMW, or "SUV" may be the height of chic, but a four-door, four-wheel drive, turbo-diesel, one-ton dually pickup with wellpipe bumpers and hay bales in the back weighs a LOT more than you do, and we don't mind getting them scratched. So move over and let the faster vehicle pass. Or our trucks will kick your cars ass. 16) Understand that if you do something stupid, and somebody tells you to "Get The Hell Off My Land," their next move will likely be to send some buckshot winging your way. If they miss, it's because they're being nice, not because they can't shoot. Your best bet is to Get The Hell Off Their Land, or they'll kick your shot-up ass off of their land. 17) Welcome, Try a Lone Star Longneck, and Enjoy your visit! :beer James
All I can say is AMEN. I get so tired of these yuppie ding dong wantabees putting down us redneck Hocking county good ole boys that I could puke. This is the heart of America and we are proud of it. Give me a shot gun , a rifle and a four wheel drive and a country boy will survive !!! Add to that a few Buicks,of coarse!
While I like the content of the post itself, It just erks' me when someone calls Ohio the midwest. .Honestly. What exactly is "midwest" about Ohio ? Its location being so close to actual "mid"point of the nation ? or because its west of said point ...... . Nothing personal, this is just a sore spot with me. Liked the post other than that though........ Flame away...................But I KNOW exactly where the midpoint of the nation is. Been through there several times. And I DO live west of that point. I live in the midwest. Noone east of the Mississippi does in my opinion. later........................
