I originally wrote these for Dodge Charger lovers but they caused a big controversy. I mean no offense to anyone and if you ask me to remove these I will but I just thought I'd tweak them a little and see what people think. Remember these are all meant in good fun and humor, no need to leave bad remarks. The BUICK Prayer Our GS which art in need of minor repair Praise be to it's name Thy parts do come Thy will be done On the lawn if thy garage is full Turn over for us this day oh please And forgive us my debts As we forgive the Ford Lovers And lead us not into a Ford's Temptation Deliver us from that evil For thine Buick is THE car, and the Stage 1 is the glory, for ever The Buick GS Psalm The GS is my baby, I shall not want no other He maketh me spend my life savings He driveth me to the shows I restoreth this car I driveth it to the races against ricers for Buick's name sake Yea, though I drive through the valley of Ricers and Fords I shall not want none other than my GS Thou preparest the race by scaring the announcers and my enemies, thou slamest my head back when I dump your clutch, your tires scream Surely my GS will pass the line first and you will follow me after: For I will dwell at the finish line forever.
I'll also be posting all the jokes that I hear about that deal with our loved ones! No not our wives! Our cars! YOU MIGHT RACE A BUICK IF ... *Race prepping your car means turning off the ac. *You have a "Big is Beautiful" license plate holder. *You have safety harnesses instead of seat belts for five occupants. *You only have to be careful of traffic AHEAD of you when you merge onto the Interstate *Your race car has never been on a trailer. *You think anything less than a 455 is a small block. *You won't race motorcycles beacuse it isn't fair . . . to them! *You've ever had to take a different route because of bridge weight limits. *You plan road trips from gas station to gas station. *Your wife's car runs 12s. *You painted your riding lawnmower black and turbocharged it. *You think 5000 pound cars and stationwagons are great dragstrip material. *The wrecker service calls you when they get their rigs stuck. *You have heard the phrase "That's a Buick!? from more than 5 punk kids in Daddy's 'Vette after you shut them down. *You have sucked so many bumpers off other cars, your car is nicknamed "The Hoover." *18 wheelers yield to you. *You can fit a month of groceries in your trunk and still run 12s. *You've ever been pulled over for failing to stop at a weigh station. *Your car has more towing capacity than a one ton duelie. *You think every race car should have ac and power windows. *You get signed thank you cards from the presidents of Phillips 66 and Texaco at Christmas. *You think every four door should have a cam, headers and slicks and runs 12s. *The phrase "231? Is that all?" and "That ain't no V6!" make the hair on the back of your neck stand up. *You've said "No, it's not an SS" more than 3 times this week. *You've never seen the tail lights of a Mustang GT. *Your friend's 5.0 'Stang runs 13s by being towed behind your car. *The local Mustang guys are claiming they've been abused because your car spanks them so bad. *You've raced your daily driver against a tube frame, blown, nitroused big block powered 'Stang . . . and won. By Jason Green, Oklahoma GSCA Chapter YOU MIGHT HAVE TO MUCH HORSEPOWER IN YOUR STAGE 1 IF ... 1. The emissions test guy starts laughing as soon as you pull onto the rollers. 2. You can't drive your car in the rain. 3. Your 'significant other' is afraid to drive your car. 4. You are afraid to drive your car. 5. You spend more on tires than on food. 6. You spend more on car insurance than on house payments. 7. You look in a state police car and see a picture of your car taped to the dash. 8. You throw your underwear in the garbage rather than the hamper. 9. You have to go to the track to buy gas. 10. Your mechanic names the new wing of his shop after you. 11. Jacques Villeneuve and Michael Schumacher wave you by. 12. You can make the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs. 13. You're tempted to wear your fire suit just to drive to the office. 14. Red signal lights shift to green as you're approaching then shift back to red as you're receding. 15. You arrive somewhere before you left. 16. You get pulled over for doing 155 in a 35 but the cops will let you go if "they can look under the hood." 17. You remove the $2000 stereo system to save 6 lb. of weight. 18. You are not allowed to run in the Silver State Challenge. 19. You get an anonymous phone call asking if you are interested in being in the Cannonball Run. 20. Your face looks like you are riding a NASA centrifuge when you drive the car. 22. You need parachute braking. 23. Your 'significant other' won't even ride in the car. 24. There is no possible way to "sneak out" of your neighborhood at 6 am. 25. Your pets scramble for their hiding spots as soon as the garage door is opened. (Pets, and all the neighbors...) 26. Family photos throughout the house are replaced with life-sized posters of your car. 27. Fuel is delivered to your home: in 55 gallon drums! 28. You carry earplugs in your car.(doesn't everybody???) 29. The only spot on the car which receives any regular cleaning is the windshield. (what else is there to clean???) 30. You find out that side mirrors don't hold up at speeds exceeding 145 mph. 31. Young children cling to their mommies in fear when you round the corner. 32. Birds fall out of their nests from the rumble of your 5" dual exhaust. 33. All the major Tire makers are sending you free slicks in hopes of endorsment deal. 34. The UPS guy took to taking Steroids so he could keep up with your shipments. 35. The Fed Ex guy had a nervous breakdown. 36. All the wildlife within a 800ft radius around your house got the HELLOUT. 37. The nearest Geological Seismic Surveying Station Operator knows your address by heart. 38. A booming voice greets potential passengers with, "That's right ....you paid for the whole seat but you'll only need the EDGE. 39. The earth slows in rotation when you hook up on your new slicks and head east. 40. You have to screw your slicks to the wheels. 41. Your exhaust pipes are larger in diameter than your driveline. 42. Your fuel pump flows enough to water a golf course. 43. Your compression's high enough you could run diesel fuel. 44. The sparks from your wheelie bars start grass fires on the side of the road. 45. Your engine idles at 2800 rpm. 46. You measure the fuel you use in "gallons per mile." How To Identify A Driver's Home One hand on wheel, One hand on horn: New York One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago One hand on wheel, One hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston One hand on wheel, One hand in pants, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California* *with gun in lap: L.A. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy One hand on Latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle One hand on wheel, One hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male One hand on wheel, One hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: Texas country male One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, One hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another's car: Colorado One hand on steering, yelling obscenities, the other hand a waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not to litter: Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plates.
Two men get into a car accident. One is a man driving a Ford Mustang, and one is driving a Buick GS. They get out of their cars to look at the damage. They exchange names and addresses, and wait for the cops to come. As they are waiting, the Buick guy says,"Why don't we have a drink to calm our nerves?" The Ford guy accepts, and takes a drink out of the flask . He hands it back to the Buick guy, who puts the cap back on and returns it to his coat. "Aren't you going to have some?" the Ford guy asks. He replies, "As soon as the cops leave." "I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his Buick...."
Changing The Oil! Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard. Open a beer and drink it. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. In frustration, open another beer and drink it. Place drain pan under engine. Look for 9/16 box end wrench. Give up and use crescent wrench. Unscrew drain plug. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process. Clean up. Have another beer while oil is draining. Look for oil filter wrench. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and twist it off. Beer. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 18. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday. Walk to 7-11; buy beer. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. Remember drain plug from step 11. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame. Bang head on floor board in reaction. Begin cussing fit. Throw wrench. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December(1992) in the left boob. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle. Beer. Beer. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil. Beer. Lower car from jack stands. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands. Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil spilled during step 23. Drive car.
When my husband and I arrived at the Ford dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side.'
Last one for today! BUMPER STICKERS! If you can read this, I've lost my trailer. If you're not a hemorrhoid, get off my ass. Yes, this is my pickup. No, I will not help you move. Cover me. I'm changing lanes. I brake for no apparent reason. No radio - already stolen. Keep honking...I'm reloading. (favorite) Caution! I drive like you do. I'm not as think as you drunk I am. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog. I get enough exercise just pushing my luck. (like the luck for restoring a car?) Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep. Work is for people who don't know how to fish. Montana -- At least our cows are sane! I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition. When you do a good deed, get a receipt in case heaven is like the IRS. Where there's a will, I want to be in it. Few women admit their age. Fewer men act it. (Buick Lovers!) I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it. Tell me to "stuff it." I'm a taxidermist. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. I love cats...they taste just like chicken. Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes. Don't squat with your spurs on. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't. My kid beat up your honor student. So many cats -- so few recipes. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. I don't discriminate, I hate everyone! It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. Never miss a good chance to shut up. So many men, so few who can afford me. If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I ain't going. Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog. Coffee, chocolate, men ... Some things are just better rich. Don't treat me any differently than you would the queen. If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen. I'm out of estrogen - and I have a gun. And your point is? Down with Hot Pants! If this cars-a-rockin don't come-a-knockin Don't laugh lady, your daughter may be in here! (My dad had this on his charger)
Is it possible for someone to make a special forum just for people to post jokes and such? I've seen it done on a couple other boards I've been at and it might reduce a couple "clutter" threads like mine here from the boards.
I was too as I wrote it. Back in the 80s when I saw this I thought it was funny. Well its still funny but is not relivant to the times around here.
Yeah I left out alot of the "worse" ones. It's weird how the times change... if I saw a car with the bumper sticker "Don't laugh your daughter might be in here"... well I'd just normally have to go and find out if she is lol!
