Acura Integra - I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars. Acura Legend - I'm too bland for German cars. Acura NSX - I'm impotent. Audi 90 - I enjoy putting out engine fires. Buick Park Avenue - I'm older than 34 of the 50 states. Cadillac Eldorado - I'm a very good Mary Kay salesman. Cadillac Seville - I'm a pimp. Chevrolet Camaro - I enjoy beating the hell out of people. Chevrolet Chevette - I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I have a 'Vette. Chevrolet Corvette - I'm in a mid-life crisis. Chevrolet El Camino - I am leading a militia to overthrow the government. Chrysler Cordoba - I dig the rich Corinthian leather. Datsun 280Z - I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well. Dodge Dart - I teach third grade special education and I voted for Eisenhower. Dodge Daytona - I delivered pizza for four years to get this car. Ford Fairmont - (See Dodge Dart). Ford Mustang - I slow down to 85 in school zones. Ford Crown Victoria - I enjoy having people slow to 55mph and change lanes when I pull up behind them. Geo Storm - I will start the 11th grade in the fall. Geo Tracker - I will start the 12th grade in the fall. Honda del Sol - I have always said, half a convertible is better than no convertible at all. Honda Civic - I have just graduated and have no credit. Honda Accord - I lack any originality and am basically a lemming. Infiniti Q45 - I'm a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending. Isuzu Impulse - I do not give a damn about J.D. Power or his reports. Jaguar XJ6 - I'm so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days per year. Kia Sephia - I learned nothing from the failure of Daihatsu Corp. Lamborghini Countach - I only have one testicle. Lincoln Town Car - I live for bingo and covered dish suppers. Mercury Grand Marquis - I'm an AARP member and need my social security for the car payment. Mercedes 500SL - I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph. Mercedes 560SEL - I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole. Mazda Miata - I do not fear being decapitated by an eighteen-wheeler. MGB - I'm dating a mechanic. Mitsubishi Diamante - I don't know what it means either. Nissan 300ZX - I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings. Oldsmobile Cutlass - I just stole this car and I'm going to make a fortune off the parts. Peugeot 505 Diesel - I'm on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List. Plymouth Neon - I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena. Pontiac Trans AM - I have a switchblade in my sock. Porsche 911 Turbo - I have a three inch thingie. Porsche 944 - I'm dating big haired women that otherwise would be inaccessible to me. Rolls Royce Silver Shadow - I think Pat Buchanon is a tad bit too liberal. Saturn SC2 - (See Honda Civic). Subaru Legacy - I have always wanted a Japanese car even more inferior than Isuzu. Toyota Camry - I'm still in the closet. Toyota Tercel - I fear driving over 55 Volkswagen Cabriolet - I'm out of the closet. Volkswagen Microbus - I'm tripping right now. Volkswagen Beetle - I still watch Partridge Family reruns. Volvo 740 Wagon - I'm very frightened of my wife.
