Does anyone out there like to tell jokes, or maybe even hear a good one? I'll start. Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a word or two of thanks, she got in the car. After resuming the journey and a bit of small talk, the Navajo noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. "What's in the bag?" asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband." The Navajo woman was silent for a moment, and then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder said, "Good trade." :laugh:
Here's one..... A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8.00 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been!" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary, and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until 8.00 p.m." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!!"
Ha. That was good. Two little old ladies were attending a rather long church service. One leaned over and whispered, "My rear end's falling asleep." "I know,"replied the other. "I heard it snore three times."
Three strings are thirsty and head to the local bar. They arrive only to find a big sign on the door; "No Strings Allowed." Well, the one string works up its nerve, walks in, and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Hey, can't you read? No strings allowed... you're string." It leaves, dejected, but the second string (no pun intended) decides to give it a try, with the same result - "No strings allowed... you're string." So this one leaves. Well, the third string had an idea, and tied itself into a little knot before entering. The bartender, agitated from repeating himself, said "No strings allowed... you're string. To which the string replied... "I'm afraid not!" (I do have some good jokes, but I can't repeat them here. :Brow: )
When Jerry Garcia died, he woke up and found himself on a stage on which a number of instruments were set up. A door offstage opened and in walked Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Brian Jones, John Lennon, Otis Redding,and Buddy Holly. Each musician picked up his favorite instrument and began tuning. Jerry walked up to Jimi and said, "Man, so this is what heaven is like." Jimi looked at him and said, "Heaven? You think this isheaven?" At that moment, Karen Carpenter walked in, took herseat behind the drums, and called out, "Okay guys,'Close to You.' One, two, three, four!" D.
A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some idiot wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?" "Canada, sir," the boy replied. "Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there." "Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada." "No kidding?" replied the boy, "Who'd she play for?"
A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married. "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!" After a moment of silence, he farted.
from the archives Accident Report This is an accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the British equivalent of the Workers Compensation Board. This is the bricklayers report, a true story. Had this guy died, hed have walked away with a Darwin Award for sure! Dear Sir, I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block_3 of the accident report form. I put Poor Planning as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor. Securing the rope at the ground level, I went down and untied the rope, holding tightly to ensure a slow decent of the bricks. You will note in Block_11 of the accident report form that my weight is 135lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the 3rd floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the 3rd floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and sever lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back onto me. This explains the two broken legs. Regards, Dan Taylor - Bill
"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed. "Well, I went down to Busch Gardens on vacation and decided to ride on the Loch Ness Monster...As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see what the sign said. By now, determined to see what the sign said, I went round again. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view." "And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor. "Yes," he said sheepishly, "'Remain seated at all times.'"
I don't think anyone will want to folow Dan's frog joke, so I'll post this. Try it the next time you're pulled over: An older lady, driving a late model Jaguar sedan gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer: Don't have one? Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago . . . for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Older Woman: I can't do that. Officer: Why not? Older Woman: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see. The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half! drawn gun. Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! She does. Older woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes, ma'am, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned. Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too. Yeah -- go ahead -- tryit, if you dare :Brow: Craig
two young guys were caught speeding in Atlanta Georgia.... the highway patrol officer walks up to the car...as he reaches the cars side ...the driver rolls down the window and said "sup officer" the cop reached through the window and slapped the piss outta the driver...and said" You dont speak to me till your spoken to boy!" the boy looks surpised and looks again at the cop and says" what the F&^K did i do? AGAIN the cop reached through the window and slapped the piss outta the driver...and said" You dont speak to me till your spoken to boy!" he proceeded to write the boy a ticket and and when he finished ...he walked to the passenger side of the car and tapped on the window....motioning the passanger to roll down his window.... as the window reached the bottom...the cop reached in the window and bitch slapped the passanger across the mouth.... the passanger screams!..WHAT THE F%6k WAS THAT FOR!!!!????? THE COP REPLIED: "I just didn't want you to get about 3 miles down the road and tell the driver...."i wish that son-of-a-bitch had tried to slap me like that!..."
A middle aged man had just gone through a messy divorce. To celebrate he went and bought himself a 1970 GS Stage 1 and took it for a ride to see what it could do. He was going about 90 mph and saw red and blue lights in his rear view mirror. He thought to himself, "This car can out run that ford!" So he stepped hard on the gas and when he hit 120 mph he came to his senses and pulled over knowing he would eventually get caught. The cop asked the driver to roll down his window and said, " If you have a good reason for going 120 mph I will let you go. I am off in 15 minutes and do not want to do all the paper work and have to take you in." The driver replied by telling the officer that his wife left him a week ago for a cop. :3gears: And I thought you were bringing her back!!!
Heard the latest song by Richard Carpenter? It's called "She ain't heavy, she's my sister" Sorry, couldn't resist. ou:
There's this snooty old piano repair man named Opernokiti. A rather rich lady calls him up and tells him she needs to have her piano freshened up for a big party she's throwing and that she's not happy with the sound. So he comes over, tells her he must have complete silence and to be left alone while he works. She leaves the room and a few seconds later hears the sound of one single key being hit. A couple of seconds later he comes out and says "It's perfect" and hands her a bill for $500 and walks out. Later in the day she gets curious and starts pecking at the keys. It sounds terrible. She gets disgusted over the fact of having spent $500 for nothing. So she calls the piano man up and says "I demand you come back and make your work right". The old man says "I'm sorry ma'am but Opernokiti only tunes once".
An old magician is on stage when he holds up a hammer and yells out "I need a man that is willing to hit me as hard as he can on the head with this hammer!" A fellow raises his hand and the old man invites him up. The old man says "Ladies and gentlemen behold, I will take the hardest blow this man can deliver with this hammer and will suffer no ill effects!" With that the man hauls off and hits the man with all his might. The magician falls like a rock. - - - - - - - A few months later the old magician is lying in his hospital bed when he suddenly wakes up from his coma, sits up and yells "Ta Dahhhhhh!"
A woman asks the local grocer if he had any Dates? He replied No. She then asks if he had any Nuts? He replied "if I had Nuts I'd have Dates!!!
Before I tell my joke, please keep an open mind. I am LDS and am not trying to offend anyone. I found these extremely funny! What does LDS and LSD have in common? Too much of either one and you start seeing visions. Why do LDS women stop having kids at 35? 36 is just to damn many kids!!! :laugh:
