What has 20,000 legs but can't walk? Jerry's kids! Yeah, okay, that was wrong, but it is kinda funny you have to admit! :laugh:
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control." As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did." As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?" The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket." The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving." And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??" The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?" (I love this part....) She answers: "Only when he's been drinking."
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing there were three finalists - two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You MUST kill her!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said "You don't have what it takes, take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the instruction to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. "You made a mistake, the gun was loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair".
a man walks into a pysciatrist's office wrapped in nothing but celophane... the doctor says" i can clearly see your nuts" and of course my favorite jesus joke.. what happend to jesus when he went to mount olive? popeye beat the crap out of him.
theres a little girl who has a female dog in heat. the little girl wanted to take the dog for a walk. after begging to take the dog for a walk. her dad thought if he puts gas on the dog it would cover the sent of the dog. after a hour the little girl returned with out the dog. her dad asked were is the dog. the little girl told her dad that the dog had ran out of gas a block back but theres a dog pushing her dog home. :shock: :jd: :jd:
