First I must tell you that my penguins used to be "turtles." They evolved. When they were turtles they would come and visit their daughter, my wife, for a couple of weeks and then go back home. As the years past they found the winter weather in Cincinnati much to cold for a reptile. They would come to my house in South Florida and stay for 2 months!!! Fortunately for me they would go over to the west coast of Florida and meet up with other turtles from their home town for at least some of that time. As "turtles" they were pretty mellow. I would basically observe them laying in lounge chairs basking in the sun. Once the male turtle even mowed my front yard. Once. This year when they came down I noticed they had evolved into "penguins." With all the storms we've had from El Nino they have been forced inside, and when outside they had to do deal with what they called "cold weather." I can only guess that they did not completely evolve. The biggest problem with housing penguins is that they are way more restless than turtles. They also squawk a lot unlike turtles. The other night the female penguin made a point of telling me that the temperature outside had dropped from 73 all the way down to 68!!! She continued talking to me as I was trying to walk out the door. "How can you be dressed in shorts and a T-shirt?" I continued walking out the door with no reply. I was hiding across the street at the neighbor's house when we both observed the female penguin, warmly dressed, attempting to walk around the block. She didn't make it 2 houses away before she came back. She yelled at us telling us it was way to cold. It was still 68 and almost calm. I got bored at my buddies' house and attempted to escape even further away. I had to go through the house to get my cooler though. As I entered the penguin exhibit I could easily see they were glued to the T.V. screen watching their favorite show, FOX News. Now don't get me wrong. I occasionally watch FOX News too, but not 24/7! I made it through the house into the kitchen where I saw my wife hiding. She likes to make them all kinds of treats that they can take into their pen, my living room, and spill crumbs all over the floor. I don't think they have cockroaches in Cincinnati??? I got my cooler, loaded it with beer, and headed out the door. WHEW!!! I got to my buddies' house and told him about all my problems housing these penguins. My buddy was a life saver! I'm getting ready to take the engine out of my truck and rebuild it. He told me to bring it to his house and then I'd have a place to hide, I mean work on it, instead of my garage. Great idea Jack!!! When I got home all the lights were off and I quietly went to bed. Last night another stormy cold front came through. When I woke up the penguins immediately told me what I had missed. They told me the newspaper they bought and read yesterday had flown all over the screen porch and it was all soaked and stuck to the ground. They told me branches and leaves were everywhere. I could tell that by the trail of leaves coming in the house!!! I got my coffee, went outside, and it was truly a mess. Newspaper was all over the porch stuck to the ground just as they had said. I guess penguins can't bend over and they don't really have hands to grasp anything. (Now I know why there are crumbs everywhere!!!) There was a cleared path on the side walk where their cute little feet had collected all the leaves and deposited them on the rug in front of the door continuing into the kitchen. I immediately grabbed my electric blower and was getting ready to blow the leaves away when the male penguin told me, "I think it's to wet to blow the leaves away." I can only guess that they wanted to drag more leaves in the house??? I cleared the sidewalk and drive of leaves. As I went to blow the leaves out of the porch and area rug the female penguin followed me right into the porch! Really??? I'm getting ready to blow dust, leaves, and little pieces of newspaper out of the porch and she stood right on the rug in front of the door. Penguins aren't very smart or when fully evolved they are used to a clean, frozen environment. Luckily for me they all left and went to church. The male penguin said he'd pray for me. I wanted badly to tell him to pray for a quick departure to the west coast, but I behaved myself and kept my mouth shut. Unfortunately for me this is a 3 day holiday weekend. I do wish I was at work. I already see the future. The male penguin will sit around dropping crumbs on the floor as he watches stupid football. (Sorry, the ONLY sports I like involve things with fast engines.) He will continuously come outside to tell me what is going on during the game. (I don't care!!!) Then he will track leaves back into his pen to try and cover up the crumbs. The female penguin will walk in and out ALL day long telling me how cold it is. Right now it is sunny and 75??? I think I'm finished ranting for right now. Thank you for letting me get this off my chest. Sincerely, An unhappy zoo keeper P.S. They just got back from church. My prayers went unanswered! I need a beer!!!!!
Careful Steve... You could end of with a crazy old man hiding in your garage!!! I saw that giant A/C unit you put in that building. Hope your back is ok! Now I'm going to "hide" at Home Depot for a bit.ou:
Very entertaining way of telling your story. I think it's time for your wife to have a discussion with the penguins and let them know that, although they are guests in your home, it would be more than considerate to help with the housekeeping. You are not running a motel and they should not expect a fish on their pillow. What would they say if, during the hot, humid Florida summer, you lions moved in to the penguin house for a bit and acted just like them? Think about it.
I hope venting about your penguins helps. The way you tell the story is quite funny and so true--we have only one penguin, but it's a hen too, and may be permanent. It does help with watching and feeding the zookeeper's offspring, but is quite challenged with the tasks of putting away dirty dishes and general neatness. Also it seems to think that dish cleaning must be dangerous, especially the magic sloshy sounding box under the counter, because it will only deposit things in the sink when asked. It won't touch the magic sloshy box or even acknowledge it exists. At least our penguin keeps to itself a fair amount (often sleeping) so I don't have to flee the shelter to escape bother. Patrick
Thanks guys!!! I wrote it to be entertaining. One can only laugh or go crazy. Patrick.... When the kids were smaller we used to go up to the grand parents house, I mean pen, for weeks. While they were at work my wife would vacuum and clean up. I would clean up the male penguin's garage. I even washed, waxed, and vacuumed his new truck that was always filthy. Paybacks are he!! Jerry... I know what you mean about the scary thing under the counter. My penguins must be scared to death of it too. Dishes everywhere when we come home from work. Going to get another beer.... Have a GREAT day!!! P.S. It is now 76 degrees and breezy as heck. Very nice day.
Hey Yachtsmanbill.... Fortunately, very fortunately I drink Budweiser and the male penguins drinks Miller Genuine Draft. YUCK!!! The female penguin downs gallons of that boxed wine stuff and she adds sweet and low to every glass. Isn't that the same as Boonesfarm flavored wine from when I was a kid!? Just finished mowing the yard. Yes, the grass is still growing here. I also spray the tomato plants with fungicide because of all the rain we've had this "dry season." Now what????
Thanks for telling that. Very Entertaining, .... Entertaining for someone that doesn't have to live it
James... Thanks for the reply. You made me laugh after dinner. This afternoon I went to my "far away" buddies house. I drove 9 houses north, made a right turn and drove 6 more houses east. He's got the coolest garage in the world and we just drink beer, hang out, and laugh!!! Then I had to restock my cooler. Drove back west 6 houses and I saw my son outside his house. Stopped by there and then came home. Got home and dinner was served. More junk food, I mean appetizers. Everyone ate at the table except the penguins. When they leave instead of nickels, dimes, and quarters in the sofa I'll be finding food. Oh well... time to get some crazies in the neighborhood rounded up and we'll have a bonfire.
Gotta love that diet wine-from-a-box stuff. She definitely looks hot, but not THAT kinda hot !! :eek2::eek2: Tell the male penguin all you serve is BUD... ws (Just some typical "bored all day Sunday" stuff LOL)
You just finished mowing the lawn? It's -6 here, windchill at -24 That was the high for the day. -18 actual temp tonight, wind chills near -40 Move up here, your Penguin problems will disappear faster than liquid water on the sidewalk.. I tried to come up with some sympathy for you, in your tortured 76* existence.. but my brain is frozen from the walk in from the shop for dinner.. ou: JW
Dear Yachtsmanbill.... Thank you for the picture of the HOT babes!!! At my summer home in the mountains of Virginia we call them "River raisers." Jim... So sorry about the lack of thermal energy in your part of the country. Yes, I actually had sweat rolling off my head while I was mowing the lawn. It did get all the way down to 54 last night, and we did have a big bonfire last night. Big enough to cause the penguins daughter, oops... that's my wife, to come out and complain that the fire was to big and to close to the house. Come on... we live on 1/4 acre properties. You can't get that far away from your house or you'll be to close to your neighbor's house!!! Hopefully going to put an '83 Regal body on an '87 frame and drive train from a T- Type. Should be interesting.
I feel for you and the situation with your penguins!! I don't have to deal with penguins, although I do have an issue dealing with some squirrels (you know, vermin just a step above a rat??!!) from time to time. However, I'm fortunate enough to only have to be around said squirrels a few times a year, and usually for not more than mere hours at a time instead of days (although it feels like days at times). Even with the relatively brief amount of time dealing with their squirrely-ness, it usually takes the majority of a bottle of good scotch for me to make it through their infestation unscathed.... ou:
Word of warning: Be very observant and careful of the penguins. Their distinct traits are genetic, you know... That 'future penguin' is beside you regularly. Don't want it to become a loud squawking flipper bird also.
My male penguin is now permanent resident and has no idea how he got here, what day it is or how to find a coffee cup, flush a toilet or hit it for that matter. And it's freakin freezin here. My escape has no heat right now
Those penguins are always way cuter when they are chicks;Just like puppies. Then they have a brood and get moody and HUNGRY LOL... ws
